What To Do When Feeling Abandoned
As I was reading my daily devotional last week, I was moved by the message in front of me. Joyce Myer encouraged that we live a fearless and non-timid life despite our day-to-day negative emotions, and bad childhood experiences. I immediately thought about my abandonment issues, and the fear I have lived in for most of my life. When I was six years old my father took his own life, and since then I’ve assumed anyone close to me would eventually leave just as he did. And because of this I didn’t want to love anyone, nor allow myself to get close to anyone.
As much as I didn’t want to “catch feelings” for anyone, I ironically made sure to surround myself with men to date just to have a close male figure in my life. Even more ironic is when someone wanted to be in a serious relationship, I would run for the hills. I would ignore calls and messages, and I would make sure not to spend too much time with any one particular person.
I based all of my decisions on those abandonment issues instead of reason and logic. Fear held me back from growth, fear blocked my potential blessings, and fear caused me to push away good people. Fear also caused me to stay when I knew I should’ve walked away. Fear crippled my life, and it became a personal enabler.
I struggled with this faulty thinking up until I turned 25 only because I was beginning to form a serious relationship. I still remember the exact moment I realized I was falling for him quicker than I wanted. Those feelings were coming fast, and although I wanted nothing more than for them to go away, I knew a change needed to happen. I could no longer carry my attitude, walk in anger, and have an uncompromising mentality. I used to pride myself on being mean and tough because it kept me from being vulnerable, but the charades were coming to an end. After all, I did want to experience real love.
In order to move on with myself, I had to accept the timing, and purpose of those that have walked out of my life. Some are only here to teach me a lesson, while others have left to place me into my destiny. Although I may want someone to be in my life forever, not everyone can go where I am going. I had to learn that I am not in control, only God is. He has a bigger and better purpose for my life than I could ever imagine. He will "never leave me nor forsake me". I stopped trying to fill voids in my life with useless things, and useless relationships. Instead I filled them with God and his word.
Once it was all said and done, I knew how much I needed to grow up because I couldn’t stay in child’s mentality forever. It was tough growing up without a father, but I am the woman I am today because he was not there. My life in Texas has turned out better than it would’ve had my family stayed in Indianapolis with him. For that alone, I am grateful for my journey.
Remember to focus on where you're going, instead of what you're going through at the moment. Never let your fears determine your future. Anything that you may have lost, know that God will replace it with something better in due time.